Merry Christmas

I hope everyone had a good holiday. We did. I told the kids earlier that this wasn't going to be the year last year was. No big surprises, but everyone would be satisfied. They were wonderful. Each received hoodies from us and a little something extra. They were happy with that. When I passed them each a movie case, they were very surprised. Especially when they tore the paper off and saw that each case was a disk case for Boston Legal, year 2. "Ah, Mom," Ed said at first, "Boston Legal is your thing. Not mine."
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"Then, I suggest you open the case," I told him. All three popped them open at the same time. That's where I hid the Target gift cards. I guess I really did surprise them. I didn't spend near as much as earlier years, but I was able to get more bang for my buck.

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Before that we had dinner out with C&D and the family. That was good. We talked quietly and without getting silly for a change. The place we went was not a favorite of any of ours, and how we wound up there, I don't know. It must have been the only place open on Christmas Eve. The only eventful moment happened on the way out. I should point out once again, that Chicago was blanketed by a sheet of ice. I'm not kidding when I say it was six inches deep in some places. Bill tried as hard as he could, but could not break any of it up. After falling last Monday, I've been terrified to go out. Here we are exiting the restaurant Christmas Eve. There was a path about five foot in length leading to the parking lot. Bill brought the van up as close to the walk as he could. I hung onto other cars and the van in an attempt to make it in the car. My sister in law, D., is assuring me that I would make it. As she's saying it, her own feet came out from under her and she landed on the ground. She got up and made to her vehicle. At this point, we haven't heard otherwise, so I assume she's all right. I hope so. Poor D. goes down everytime she walks by a Dunkin' Donuts. Truthfully.

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Anyway, at this point I'm required to say that if you are sensitive to talk about body parts, trade this for another post. This is about to get silly. Before starting I should point out that I have this thing about body parts. They have medical names. I mean I can understand the use of words like bowels or fingers as compared to intestines or phalanges. I can't understand words like worm or Johnson bar. I mean it's a penis. A vagina is a vagina and not 'down there,' or 'under there,' or a 'monkey.' It's a body part with a function and it has a name.

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Okay, so back to Christmas Eve.

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Ed, Becki and I got in the van with Bill while Jon and Gloria got in their cars, and headed home. Gloria needed to stop for work pants as she ripped hers at work that day, and had to work in the morning. My heart ached for her, at least until I heard Jon had to go to work Christmas Day and would miss my family's celebration.

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Anyway, we're on our way home and Ed started his usual. He's like an evil 8 year old. His sister is in the back seat with him and he has to start something just because she's there. Before too long, he's poking and she's screaming at him and I'm screaming at both of them to just shuttup. Then Becki in a fit of aggrevation, tells him, "Shuttup up you freakin' queef."

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"You hear what's she called me?" Ed demanded.

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"What's a queef?" I asked.

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"What do you mean what's a queef?"

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"What's a queef?"

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"Seriously, Mom. You don't know what a queef is?"

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"No, what's a queef?"

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That started the pair giggling.

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"What's a queef?"
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Ed said, "If you don't know, I can't tell you."

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"Becki, what's a queef?"

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"Ah, if you seriously don't know, go to UrbanDiction.com and look it up."

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"Tell me. What's a queef?"

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Finally, between fits of giggles, Becki tells me, "Ask Jon when we get home. I want to see his face."

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At that moment, Jon called me. We had just pulled up in front of the house, and he was on his way home. "What's a queef?" I asked.

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"Mom, a what?"

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"A queef?"

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"Where did you hear that word?"

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"Your sister called your brother a friggin' queef."

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The two in the back seat laughed even harder. Bill is giggling, although I"m sure he didn't know why. And Jon is giggling. And finally Jon tells me, "You should slap that little girl in the mouth for saying something like that." And everyone is giggling.

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Jon and Gloria arrived a few minutes after we did. Once inside, my three are looking at each other and still giggling. Jon told me again. "Slap her. Slap her." The other two are covering their faces and laughing into their hands.

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I finally looked at Gloria. She was bright red. "A queef," she said, "Is when a girl passes gas, and she doesn't pass it from the back, but... ah, from the front..."

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"You mean to tell me that you people are acting this silly over a vaginal fart?" Gloria was embarrassed and my three are still being silly. The only thing I can think of at that moment is that a vaginal fart still stinks.

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Everything seemed to be happening perfectly. Then Jon dropped a load of bricks on me. "Got to work tonight," he said Thursday morning. "Have to go to Kalamazoo." I thought he was kidding. All week long he had been held up because either his truck was being worked on. When he hit those deer the week before, they damaged the grill. When he returned to work Sunday night, no one had bothered plugging his truck in. It needs to be kept warm as the night was subzero and everything was freezing up. As I said in an earlier post, he was given another truck and sent off to Kalamazoo early Monday morning. He was run off the road on the way back. All week long after that he had been in and out of Indiana and Michigan, and not making any connections. It was just too cold. A storm hit early on Tuesday and he was caught up in it again. He didn't make his last delivery. I was disappointed because I thought he'd have a four day weekend. He wasn't suppose to work Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday and Saturday are his normal days off. No, he was told, he had to be in on Thursday to make that last stop. So we went to my brother's house and he stayed home.

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The next time we heard from him, he was parked along side the road. Another storm blew in on his return and more ice pummelled the road. Friday morning there were people sliding around all the roads and accidents right and left. The entire Indiana tollway, all 134 miles of it, was closed down because of the accidents. And where was Jon? Sitting along side the road, 20 minutes outside of Gary, unable to move because he had no traction on the ice. He was still on the tollway. That was 5AM. The sleet turned to rain and eventually the roads thawed. Jon made it home by 11.

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It's been raining steadily since then. There are still ice patches out there, and a few tornado warnings. More than anything, the roads are flooded. What a winter.

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Oh, and I'm very happy to report that Ed finished his first semester at U.C.L.A. (the University Closest to LaGrange Avenue) with one B and 3 A's. Not something he was used to doing all through grade school and high school, so you know he's telling everyone who bothers to ask.